Telling Everyone

I got an appointment pretty quickly with the oncologist, Dr. I___. So I went home to digest what had just happened to me.

At first I wasn't gonna tell anybody anything. I usually went to all my appointments by myself and this appointment would be no different.

I couldn't have wanted a kinder, more sincere, doctor. Dr. I____ was everything my pulmonologist was not. Dr. I____ actually came across as caring if I lived or died. He was very encouraging. Of course he wanted to start treatment. But I was heavy into herbs at the time and wanted to take the "wait and see" approach. Looking back now, I am sorry I did that. Lots of months were wasted. He was ok with that. He never did force me to do anything or take any treatment.

When I got home, Mark never even asked about my appointment. I was hurt and stunned. At that point I thought why tell him, he doesn't care. I waited a couple days before I told him. I actually cried when I heard  the word "cancer" come out of my mouth. He kinda teared up too.

I was shocked, angry, in denial, you name it. I went through all the stages.

I remember saying "why me?"  I never drank, never smoked, never did illegal drugs and here I go and get cancer, in my blood no less. Your blood is every where! How was I gonna fight that? I was angry that Mark has been a 30 some year smoker, did all kinds of illegal drugs & was a drinker in his band days. He's healthy as a horse! Boy, I resented that big time!

It's hard to remember back so far, but I didn't tell my daughters anything yet. No need to worry them.

I remember thinking "why me" for awhile. Then thankfully, I got out of that mindset into "why not me?". And really, why not me? I'm saved I know when I leave this world I'll go to be with Christ. So better me than some unsaved person. Better me than one of my family members. And why not me, who am I that I think I should avoid the maladies of mortal life?

I don't remember crying much about it either.  I still don't cry about it.

I think a month must have gone by before I realized that I would have to tell my daughters. I told Jillian first. She took it ok I think. Of course, she is a master at keeping her feelings to herself. I didn't tell Genevieve for a few months after that because she lived so far away. I thought why put this on her when there is nothing she could do about it.I really struggled with telling my 14 year old grandson. He is such a sweet kid and I love him to pieces. Having experienced the death of both of my parents, I knew first hand how tore up he was gonna be. I really wanted to spare him. Maybe a month of so after I told Genevieve, I told Caleb. He was good about it. Accepted it. Didn't freak out. So that was good.

So now everyone knows and I'm glad.