A Nice Indulgence

I decided to spoil myself a little today. 

I've been reading and making so many things with my herbs, that I  just couldn't resist an oatmeal bath, and right in the middle of the day, too!

I made a pot of very soupy oatmeal and tied that up in a hanky. Started running the the bath water as hot as I could stand it and I can stand it pretty hot!  I thew in the oatmeal filled hanky, about 1/2 cup Epsom salts which I splashed with a few drops of eucalyptus essential oil and in I went. Nice!

Boy my feet are really lovin' this. I squeezed the milky stuff that is so good for skin from the hanky and slathered it all over. Washed my hair, washed my face with  oatmeal/lavender cleansing grains then settled in for a 20 minute rest.

The parts of my big ol' self that were under water looked as red as a lobster went I got out of the tub.  I rubbed on some essential oil blends I had made. I try to use different oils on different areas of my body just so I get some variety. I then hopped, well crawled really, into bed for a half hour rest.

As I lay there thinkin', (o why do  I always have to be thinkin"?) I started crying. Thinking about my hair falling out, about the suffering with the chemo that is coming up. But then I started thinking that I really can't cry over any of this stuff. That shows such lack of faith. 

I can't see the end from here but I must trust that God has only good for me. When I cry and feel bad about my situation that is a bad testimony. I can't do that. God helping me, I've got to stop doin' that.  I've got to make the most of the inevitable. I've got to let God refine me and bring glory to Himself.  I've got to remember Job. I've got to remember the wonderful ending my life will have in His hands. 

I guess what makes me most sad about my life is that I realize I've live for my own god all these years. My belly. And look how it has repaid my faithfulness and sacrifice. The Bible says ye if ye live after the flesh ye shall die. That is exactly what is happening. Why am I surprised that I finally must pay the piper? 

I've made a very, very bad life choice.

Idiot.

Sept 28

I still feel good, all except these feet! I was able to walk around the mall today for at least 1/2 an hr. I should have timed my walk, but I didn't. Of course, I'm not speed walking, but never the less, I am getting out and moving.

I wonder how I am gonna get any better when I can't get a decent nights sleep. I don't get any really deep sleep. I know that is the time the body repairs itself and your immune system is boosted. Well, mine sure isn't can only managed a couple hours sleep at a time.

I resisted a nap this evening because I wanted to make sure I would be tired enough to get to sleep.  Well, so much for that. Went to bed at 10:30 and here it is midnight and I'm up. 

My feet hurt like the dickens. When I softly push on the bottoms of my feet, it feels like someone shot them full of Novocaine. The tingle, they feel frostbitten, cold. I feel like I am wearing socks, even when I'm not. Sometimes I reach down to take off my socks and oops, I'm not wearing any! I can't even feel my feet when I wear shoes or walk.  So I ran some hot water, as hot as I could stand it, and soaked them in the tub for about 20 minutes. Seems to have helped a little, not enough though.  But hey, at least I'm not crying all day long. Before when I was still on the velcade, they hurt so bad I had to cry.

I am taking milk thistle, turmeric, vitamin D, vitamin B12.  I am also taking elderberry syrup & astragalus syrup that I made. Tomorrow I've got to get some capsules made! I need to make astragalus and nettle  capsules. I think I still have burdock tincture. May take that. It's already made so I may as well us it up.

Of course, the doctor doesn't want me to take any herbal supplements.; but you know me, ever the rebel! I have about 2 wks before I go for my appointment. That gives me a little time to see if I can get my white cells up on my own.

I know I wrote something about thinking the Lord was not gonna heal me. Well, I heard a sermon over the internet today and he was taking about healing. He really struck a chord with me. He talked about some people who pray to get healed, but God knows that if He healed them, they would just go back to their old ways. I think that applies to me.  The more and more the awful tastes goes away in my mouth, the more I start eating things that aren't good for me, things I haven't eaten for months due to the chemo. I wonder too, if I would stop thinking of the Lord if I were healed?  So you see, being sick isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. 

I got a reservation at LaQuinta in Nashville for me and Jillian for the 7th.  Hopefully the hotel will be clean and nice. Website says it was just remodeled..  I sure hope so. Because if it is nice, we'll stay there for the 30 days of the SCT.  It comes out to be a pretty good deal for me.  The room is approximately $102 and of that, the insurance company will reimburse me $50!

Sept 26

Tomorrow will be one month since my last velcade shot.  And I feel GREAT!!

I actually feel like my old self again and am enjoying it. I even walked the 1/3 mile trail at the park Monday! Twice!

The neuropathy in my feet is still there, but thankfully it isn't causing me anymore excruciating pain. They just feel weird. If one of my flats slips off, I can't just slip it back on because i can't feel my feet. I have to actually reach down and put it back on with my hands. They tingle, they feel cold, like they're frostbitten. I put different creams on them, I don't think it helps much (lavender, tiger balm, etc), but I sure do have soft feet!

This is my week off of the revlimid, too.  :)

Vanderbilt called to give me my appointment for the tests to make sure I am a good SCT candidate. I go October 7 & 8th.  Jillian's gonna go with me. So now I have to find a hotel for us on  that Monday. I'll have to have blood work, echo, ekg, skeletal survey, and I forgot if there is any thing else. I'll have to do a 24fr urine test at home the day before and bring that in.

I'm not scared. Maybe I'm too stupid to be scared, I don't know. All I know is that I take comfort in the fact that my life or death is in the hands of Jesus Christ. This is no accident to Him and I must proceed with the thought that the people He has placed in my path and there for a purpose. So I will walk through all the doors, not forcing any open, til He closes them.

I have a funny feeling, though that healing isn't what He has in store for me.

He has used this illness to make me heavenly minded. Let's face it, if you're not staring death in the face, it's easy to put off living for the Lord.  I know, I'm a master at it.